Has it been Depression the Whole Time?

I can finally admit that I have not made the messages in my life. I am impulsive and even when I think the longest and plan with the most diligence in detail, my impulses and need for immediate gratification take over. But I've never truly understood why. Yes, I have some answers to therapy and I have received some of those answers. However, recently I have recognized that some of these impulses are rooted in my seeking for happiness and satisfaction. There have been so many moments where I felt that happiness was the state of permanence but it was due to a lack of need to seek the high of temporary happiness.

I have been seeking out the thrill in the joy of instant gratification for over two years now. After being locked in and out of control of so much in 2020 which was also of the hills of a year where I work to piece my life back together after a serious breakup, I seek satisfaction. It is not something I am proud of but it's something I know to be true today. I know that I am not the only millennial who has experienced this need to fill a void after we realize so much is out of our control. Much like an addict, I seek the high of temporary glee. When I am not in pursuit of this high, I am depleted, withdrawn, fatigued, and unilaterally exhausted. My sister recently asked me if I ever thought about why I have been making the decisions I've recently made and I don't have an answer. I think these are symptoms of depression. I cannot identify how long I have been depressed, I can only identify when was in my life when I was not depressed. Although I am spiraling, I think as the stigma around depression continues to be lifted, so will the shame.

We know shame all too well. Shame and embarrassment are plagues I constantly place on myself. Society sets somebody's expectations of us about the trajectory of our lives. Especially in American Society which places value on success and contribution to capitalism.

“Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough” -Brene Bown

Anything that is way off of that trajectory is cause for shame and embarrassment. It is caused to hide in a dark hole. The darker the hole and the longer we are in falling the deeper our depression. There is no denying it. Depression has many faces and presents itself in many forms.

Here are 9 ways that Depression Shows Up:

1. Hopeless outlook
2. Lost interest in daily life/Ambitions
3. Increased fatigue and sleeping problems
4. Anxiety
5. Irritability
6. Changes in Appetite and Weight
7. Uncontrollable Emotions
8. Thoughts of Death

Low Sex Drive and Forced Happiness are also symptoms. Forced happiness can be deceptive. Especially in an age where we consider social media check-ins as a valid method to check in on the well-being of others. The only way to screen actual happiness is to call of spend face-to-face quality time. A picture may say a thousand words but social media may eliminate room for imagination.