I Landed a “Dream Internship” at 30

I took an internship as a 30-year-old and every day I ask myself “What the fuck am I doing?” This is not a Robert De Niro film, this is my life.

For the first half of my twenties, I spent my years successfully adulting. My bills were paid I had a steady job, 401(k), things were smooth. Of Course, I had my regular struggles but I made due with good work and thrifty budgeting. However, in my late 20s, I realize that I needed to get a college degree for a compatible partner and a better-sustaining job. Of course, now I know that is not completely true. But I set out to get my degree with a deeper fervor. I graduated well and proceed to leave my stable job for many reasons… (Don't date a narcissist) but I expected to receive a role in my field and be on the path for my career. There have been many pitfalls and I have not been able to completely sustain myself as I expected.

It is very strange to enter the beginning stages of your career while your peers are hitting the stride of their careers.

On a whim, I decided to apply for an internship with a network that I have only imagined in my wildest dreams to work with. Surprisingly so, I was excepted. I couldn't believe that I got this internship but of course, the internship is unpaid. Unlike my fellow interns, I am a fully grown adult with fully ground responsibilities and the expectation to support myself. If you have read any of my previous medium articles, you know that I spend some time couch surfing, this has not been fun. During this internship, I have hit a stride where I am finally able to sustain myself. The hours of adulting and interning are not compatible. Many days I ask myself am I a fool for accepting an internship at this age? I am a 3 intern. Will this internship truly grow my network? I have missed deadlines and not performed at my best. I am angry with myself. I wish that I would have been able to live on someone's couch for a good three months of being tortured by my age, that is not an option.

I have exhausted the ability to live with family and friends. It's on me, I have to worry about bills and paying tuition out-of-pocket. It feels as if the more I do to try to support this internship, the more the dark forces of the universe trying to dissent my actions. The funniest thing about all of this is that I have told my friends that this is a “contract job” that only runs for three months and the intention is to decide if they want to hire me or not. That is how I'm treating the internship. I am proud of the position but I am embarrassed that it is an internship. I am proud that I was able to secure this internship without connections and by myself and peer into years but I am embarrassed that I was not considered for a permanent role instead.

It prompts internal conversations of self-doubt and questions of worthiness.

Have I made the wrong moves?.

There's a concept in Buddhism called Sansho Shima. The teachers that when a person is on the right path, everything in the universe that does not want light will combat that path. The typical response is to squarely confront and triumph over such negative functions that we are able to develop our lives, polish our character, and ultimately manifest our enlightenment. This is true and applicable to what I have been experiencing for the past few years, my eyes have been in a staring contest with these negative functions for way too long.

As my perseverance and determination grow, my distractions and obstacles increased, I have never been one to compare myself to others but this internship has shown me how far behind I am. My peer interns are five or more years younger than me. I am closer in age to those who are in the positions I would like to hold. Although I am learning a lot and will undoubtedly take this experience into my professional life in the future, I cannot help but feel like an imposter, with adequate experience and the capability to perform.

I do not have a concluding statement. I will conclude at the end of November.