The Battle Between Executive Dysfunction and Me
Procrastination was once a friend of mine. I thought that I thrive on procrastination and performed best under pressure. All throughout undergrad, I procrastinated on everything. But somehow, I managed to get things done. It was not until scrolling through the Internet with Facebook and TikTok that I discovered something new. This new concept was directly reflective of my behaviors. I think at times in life, I understand the task that I need to complete and what it takes to complete these tasks but the first step seems like the most difficult thing to accomplish. I found out this is a symptom of ADHD with executive dysfunction.
Somehow, I cannot complete the first step. Executive dysfunction fights me every day. It disconnects the thoughts and will to begin from my hands and feet. It is difficult to explain executive dysfunction to someone who does it know what ADHD looks like. I want to overcome this dysfunction but some days, I lose sight and am unable to complete until the evening. The experts will say to journal, mindfulness, get outside and get some fresh air to cope with it. However, I want to know that none of these coping skills have helped. Executive dysfunction brings on shame and embarrassment. Some days, it takes me two days to respond to emails others, it takes two hours and some days it truly takes six hours to respond to an email.
Combined executive function with unmedicated depression is a recipe for disaster. I have struggled with deadlines in the past and often use coffee or alcohol to cope I do not recommend this at all but hi have to find solutions because unfortunately, I live in a country that does not support mental health.
I decided to seek friendships and date people who have experience with ADHD or can conceptualize is empathy when I go through. I think executive dysfunction has often been dismissed as absent mindedness or being forgetful, but that's not what it is. I would love for my brain to allow me to take the steps to begin and complete but I do not have that ability right now.
Note; I currently have a long list of things to do but here I am writing about not being able to do those things. That's executive dysfunction.
