Principles of Dating I Abandoned After I Came Out
Deconstructing my approach to romantic relationships has been a journey. It has been one that I embraced with an open mind. Not only am I dating as a queer black woman, but I am also dating as a bisexual woman as well. Which, I have learned, can be more of a crime in the LGBTQ community.
- Dating is a low-cost investment
When dating men, my assumption was always that I would not pay for anything. So much so that I adopted a rule that if I did not enjoy the date, I would not allow the man to pay for my meal or my portion of the date. However, now that I am dat people of the same sex and gender, I am always prepared financially to split or pay for the day myself. It truly depends on who asked whom out. So.. if I dont have at least $200 to spare, I am not going.
2. Chivalry is a must.
I am a family, always have been, I expect shivery from my dating counterparts. However, dating individuals of the same sex and gender has set me to completely abandon expectations of chivalry. My father taught me that shivery is the most and if a gentleman is not chivalrous towards me, I should leave. However, women do not live by those same rules. I have adapted politeness and good manners instead. I have no problem holding the door or opening a car door
3. Don't Fall Too Quick
I have discovered that when two individuals have liberated themselves from heterotormativity and embraced a life of new possibilities and boundaries, it is easy to have a deep connection with someone. The ability. I have not been able to master the ability to not fall for whomever I'm dating. Actually, I would not consider it "falling", I would perhaps a fast gradual settling into deep intimacy. It is much more than sexual, it touches emotional, well-being, and often intellectual intimacy.
4. Rating people on marriageability
Before I came out, I only dated men. My mindset was almost that of a hunter. Hi interviewed these gentlemen during each date. I will get straight to it and ask some questions about their future, their family, etc. I would score them on how they spoke, eight, and sometimes even walk. After I came out, much of that has gone out the window. I now see things from experiencing another person. I don't know if that is related to queerness but I feel that without the restrictions and expectations of patriarchy, I can now date and get to know someone freely before determining if I want to meet them at the end of the aisle.
5. Everyone shouts "goal "at the end of sex
The final principle I threw away is my belief that sex includes an orgasm. My enjoyment of sexual intimacy has grown so much since I came out. I do not expect to work towards a finish line rather, I dance in the experience of openness with my partner. Sometimes the activity is complete without a "score". Often, satisfaction comes with the exhaustion of the activity.
Overall, I feel that dating out of the closet is much more satisfying, fulfilling, and pleasing to my soul. Highly recommended.
